Well, fam, as I write this it is Wednesday, which signifies I’ve depleted the last 7 days trying to google wtf Jingle Jangle is and if Bella Thorne has been taking it all this time. Between her slutty Santa phase and the pounds of torso glint she slathers on her body on a daily basis, the evidence is pretty damning. So, yeah, I’ve been v hectic the coming week. I’ve too been trying to wrap my head around the fact that we’ve examined Archie and Veronica baked lump one another every time a loved one is dying( so pretty much every incident) and we have yet to see Cole Sprouse < affect> take his shirt off connect with Betty. So yeah, I’ve got high expectations for this escapade, though I’m sure The CW will find a way to dick me around for one more week. Can’t wait to be disappointed. Shall we get started?

Why is Kevin running around the groves inspecting skimpy AF? Can at least one of the following options high school kids not act so fucking negligent? Wait. Is he looking to get laid? In the lumbers? Seriously, do these adolescents not have autoes to make out in? Like, their parents can afford to buy them all singing jobs but not a put-upon auto? Please.

Kev discovers Moose and Girl Who Looks Like Kevin in the consequences of the the shooting.( Side document: I’m sure she has a real appoint but I don’t remember it and it’s either I announce her Girl Who Looks Like Kevin or Girl With Unfortunate Haircut so that’s where we’re at rn ). No one is actually hurt, even though they were both shot degree space, since they are Riverdale and the laws of physics is eliminated now. Fine. Whatever. Though Moose is apparently injured enough to go to the hospital, so that’s something at least.

Football practice is cancelled by Reggie, “whos not” the team captain , nor is he the instruct. It’s unclear how he has any approval over this bunch. Reggie is just like, “Moose got shot, isn’t that crazed ?? ” And , no , not really. He was hopped up on Jingle Jangle in a deserted locale in the middle of the light. Seems about how I imagined his darknes would go.

Meanwhile, Archie is making this all about him freaking the fuck out. He’s like, this close to buying scarlet fibre and creating a carnage wall up his fucking bedroom.

ARCHIE: Everyone is dying around us!

VERONICA : Guys I think you’re missing the object here, is back on so…

At least someone’s got their priorities straight.

Veronica invites them all to her house to meet her papa, and nothing could go wrong with this plan. Nope.

Kevin eventually is acknowledged that he was “cruising” the forest for guys at 2am because it seems “safer” than Grindr. I would argue his item, but I’ve been on Tinder and agree that it is safer to converge a stranger in the bushes than conversation with the human trash bags who match with me online.

Elsewhere, Jughead is acclimating to South Side High, even though it’s unclear if he’s even was formally enrolled there hitherto. Like, he doesn’t even croak here, does he? Also, is it only me or does his peer instructor definitely sounds like a cross between Mona from and an extra from?

Tell me you haven’t “ve seen this” girl figurehead in center in the crowd during the dance-off cycle ?? Honestly, the affinity is uncanny.

Toni Topez aka Mona aka the additional from casually points out the illegitimate drug use happening in the hallway, which seems additional even for the South Side. I represent, I get that this is supposed to be the “bad” part of town or whatever, but I do not buy for one fucking second that you’re allowed to really do drugs out in the open like that, three hoofs from the security guard who, seconds earlier, procreated Jughead follow up the metal detector a second day because his beanie searched curious. Come on.

Archie is fucking unraveling at Veronica’s dinner. Like, all the girl want to get do was have a nice darknes shit talking and watching and you have to bring up carnage? Can she live? I will say Archie is making all sorts of enormous targets about Riverdale PD, though.

ARCHIE : It’s like no one cares about this crap-shooter, and we had to solve the last carnage that happened in this town!

VERONICA : What did I just say about?

Hiram Lodge is looking at Archie like he does not understand how Archie and his fitted cardigan won over his daughter, and I’m like, but have you verified his abs?

This gif will never get old for me, tbh.

Hiram invites Archie over for another dinner to discuss how Archie plans to “save Riverdale.” Archie basically jizzes his pants at the merely thought of someone being interested in his wild conspiracy theories, and Hiram really shouldn’t humor him like this. Can’t he tell the son is unhinged?

Lol, did Veronica’s mother just tell her to stop being so thirsty? God, I desire this town.

Jesus Christ. Is Archie’s plan to protect Riverdale truly to only pick all the people in municipality with the biggest steroid insult problems and upset them up? Because that seems foolproof. Archie goes on and on about how they need to watch over Riverdale and watch out for their friends and time generally be Riverdale’s watch dogs.

REGGIE : So we’ll be called The Watch Dogs, then?

ARCHIE :* disgusted* No, Reggie, have you even been listening ?! We’ll be called the Red Circle.

ME :

I mean, who does Archie think he is, Harry Potter? This isn’t Dumbledore’s army! Can you delight time fucking going to see class and stop with the wannabe detective work? I beg of you.

Betty encounters Kevin about what he was doing in the woods and is low-key slut dishonor him before biography class. She’s like that irking sidekick who refuses to let me her pissed acquaintance make love with a guy at the bar wearing a Vineyard Vines vest and a shirt with a frocket. Fucking rude.

Mrs. Cooper receives a symbol from The Black Hood( lol) detailing how “hes killed” everyone. Along with the document she witnesses Fred Andrews’ wallet and Ms. Grundy’s pedo glass, so I guess it’s legit. Tbh, this is less scaring to me than Mrs. Cooper’s reaction to having a SERIAL KILLER refer her his personal effects to her dwelling address. She’s giddy at future prospects of being pen pals with a mass murderer, and I’m just like, but he knows where you live though?

Meanwhile, back on the South Side, Jughead has a run in with the The Serpents gang leader, the teenage volume, and his refer is Sweet Pea and he wears a cutoff jean jacket. Let’s just let that sink for a minute, k?

SWEET PEA : You’re going to want my protection.

JUGHEAD :* takes in jean-on-jean ensemble* Hard pass, bro.

Okay, since when i got Polly back? Has she been ostracized to the attic this entire experience? The killer mentioned that he’s exclusively croaking after sinners, and Polly is just like, “Yeah, I need to get the fuck out of town then.”

MRS. COOPER : Why do you think you’re a sinner though?

POLLY : Let me precisely count the ways.

Honestly, she’s not wrong here. She is, in fact, an unwed mom, pregnant by her cousin. She’s 100 percentage on that roll. It’s really amazing he hasn’t paid her a call sooner.

Kevin offer a tour to Moose at research hospitals, which would be cute if he wasn’t, like, interrogating him about about Moose’s new slope bit, while he casually recoups from a bullet meander. It’s nice to know that there are others like me out there. Sighs.

KEVIN : But what do you see in Midge?

MOOSE : Well…

Ah, yes. It’s all growing v v clear now.

The way Veronica can threaten her mother while casually polishing their own families silver is v provoking. Somehow, defying your father to admit she’s mistaken in her own damn home never actually worked for me in high school? Will take notes for the future.

Betty goes to drop off some coffee to Jughead, because he’s succeeding belatedly at the Red& Black, which I hope is Betty’s quirky course of fomenting a loot request. I better determine these two get at second base this occurrence, or so cure me I’ll have to < ten-strike> take drastic assess continue to watch brand-new incidents every week. It’s the literal least The CW could do for me, considering that they continue to fuck me and my nonexistent cable due over every single week, when I try and stream this shit live.

Toni Topaz treads in on the makeout sesh, and I could cut her. CAN’T YOU SEE THEY’RE BUSY? GOD. This is clearly The CW’s attempt to drive a wedge between Jughead and Betty, and it won’t fucking drudgery. Toni, you need to take your Dollar General coffee pot and your Ariana Grande hair back to the Serpents and GTFO.

Lol, Cheryl judging Kevin for trying to find some dick in the timbers is me every time I go out with my friends. I knew I liked that girl.

Meanwhile, Ethel is stepping along the side of the road in the dark, as one does. Earnestly, did the mothers in this community not inform them of the dangers of stepping alone at night? Do they not have access to Lifetime movies in this fucking city? And of course the creepiest van known to person starts following her.

Oh, but don’t dwell, y’all, she called Archie for help! This should be good. Archie hastens over precisely in time, because thankfully, The Black Hood( again, lol) saves her, unlike the demagorgon, so I suspect we finally have #JusticeForBarb.

Watching Jughead steer through South Side High at night is like watching an escapade of. Like, we get it, writers, the South Side is perilous. You’ve genuinely driven that point dwelling. Thx.

OH SHIT. Did Jughead time get mounted in the hallway? This really is like an chapter of except with behavior more denim.

Meanwhile, everyone maintains reminding Archie about Hiram and Archie is just like, “But he said he likes my conspiracy thoughts, so? “

This dinner is so fucking awkward. Archie cannot stop talking about his little red halo fake police force, and Hiram is just like, “I have a rum collect and I’m about to use it.”

^^ Actual footage of Hiram Lodge at this dinner.

Drunk Hermione is my favorite. She legit can’t stop wheeling her seeings at her husband and chugging wine-coloured every time he opens his mouth to speak oaths. Her colour throwing is a work of art.

Okay, HOW numerous areas does this apartment have? Aren’t the Lodge’s supposed to be destitute? They have a fucking living room, and meanwhile I feel consecrated that my NYC apartment has a microwave. It’s similar but different.

Hiram preserves talking about how Archie needs to go on the offensive and use dread and terror as his weapons, but does he realize that he’s talking about here Archie Andrews here? He’s beautiful but has the common sense of a goldfish.

Anddd we’re back to Kevin in the woods. I understand that this is what he is like he has to do to get laid, but too how many times a day does he appear it was necessary to “go for a run”? And how well known is it that gay guys become “running” in the lumbers for hookups? This isn’t the 1970 s, Kevin! You don’t even requirement Grindr. You can just slip into someone’s DMs on Instagram like everybody else does!

Does anyone else feel like Kevin approaching this humankind in the car feels very much like vice and not at all like a amusing hookup? Uneasy for him. And apparently I have a right to be, because this dude is fucking startling to those used menaces. Well, that was certainly a close call for Kev.

So now Veronica is going to be involved in Hiram’s business dealings and no one seems am worried that she’s simply a sophomore. Doesn’t have a license, but is feeing company timber sees. Seems accurate.

Oh Jesus fucking Christ. Wtf am I watching rn with this Red Circle nervousnes campaign video? Why is everyone shirtless? And why does this appear more like the start of an amateur porno than a threatening message? As if the carefully sculpted abs you got from your high school gym are going to frighten off a cold-blooded murderer unafraid of using a cello kowtow as a artillery. AS IF.

Jesus. Ohhhh I can’t “ve been waiting for” next week’s episode. Should be lit.

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